Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
