I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
