i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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