I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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