I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
