I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
