I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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