the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
