Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?