Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
