dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
