Best friends brother. Beat that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm like, not good at living.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
