I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
