I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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