my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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