My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
