she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
