so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
