Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
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Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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