I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
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Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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