he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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