is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
