I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
