I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
