its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
