You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
