I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
