My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
