She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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