How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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