a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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