you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
