I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
