My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
