NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
