Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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