You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
