I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
