just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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