I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am full of burrito and curiosity
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
