I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
this just has baby written all over it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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