I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
