Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
