my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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