I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
