I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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