Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
