My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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