Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
