I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
