If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
