mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
