I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
