the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
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