Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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