Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
