No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
