and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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