dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
