i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize