u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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